Isn't it crazy how a song can evoke massive amounts of emotion just in the first few notes? Our minds associate music with so many things and can bring vivid memories back in a mere second. For the past couple of months, I have had such a deep emotional connection to the song, "Oceans (Where Feet May Fail)", which is a worship song that our amazing worship band plays at service on a somewhat regular basis.
The first time it evoked a major emotion, I was thinking about an uncle of mine, who was fighting cancer. I had to run out of worship so that no one would see me crying. I was so embarrassed, although I think I was successful in my quick run out, because no one ever said anything. Phew, crisis averted, right? The next time it overtook me was when my Grandpa was very sick. We knew he was in his final weeks. My heart was heavy because he was all the way on the other side of the country and I couldn't make it home to see him. I felt the lump in my throat rising up as the song progressed, so I stopped singing, thinking maybe that would keep the tears from coming. No such luck, I slipped my sunglasses back over my eyes and ducked out the back as fast as possible. This time I didn't go unnoticed. Our Pastor's wife saw me and came out after me. She just hugged me and talked to me and prayed for me until I felt ready to return to the service. It was such a shining example of the amazing woman she is and how lucky we are to have found our church here in San Diego.
It has now been a few months since my Grandpa passed away. I've cried so many tears that I've lost count. He was an amazing man, and while we weren't close in that I didn't see him or talk to him frequently, I loved him so very deeply. He loved all of us so much, though I don't have tons of recollections of him saying it. We saw it though. He took us on so many fun excursions when we would visit him - to the school where he worked to play in the gym, for rides up into the woods to see various sights, out to throw rocks in various streams near his house. He used to take us sledding in the wintertime on a big hill out back of his house too. His basement was where I first learned to play pool, watching my Dad, my Grandpa and my uncles playing it at so many family gatherings. If I close my eyes, I can hear the sound that the balls would make when one would fly off the table and hit the basement floor... oops! And every time we went to Grandma and Grandpa's, we knew he would have some new silly thing. Would it be some silly glasses? A reindeer that pooped candies? Or something even more ridiculous? And the jokes. Some were funny and some made you just roll your eyes, but you always laughed because you could tell the joy he got from telling his jokes. You just never knew what to expect.
So, back to my point, if I even have one with this post. Why does this song rock me to my very core every single time I hear it now? Well, my grandpa was a Christian for as long as I remember, and I'm sure long before that. Every time I hear the lyrics, "And I will call upon Your name
And keep my eyes above the waves
When oceans rise
My soul will rest in Your embrace
For I am Yours and You are Mine",
I think of my Grandpa in his final days. I think of him, knowing his time was coming to an end here on Earth, waiting for his soul to rest in his Lord's embrace. I admire his strength and his unfailing beliefs. At the same time, those lyrics remind me of how much I need to turn to Him when I'm struggling to keep my eyes above the waves with parenting and with my husband's Navy career (waves, Navy, get it?). I fall into these slumps where I feel like nothing can help me and I need to learn to rise above those slumps.
The worship band played this song today. I felt that lump in my throat again. I had the tears welling up at the edges of my eyes. I closed my eyes and I took a deep breath. And I fought the tears back and went through service without a random run out. But as soon as I got home, the emotion came back and I had myself a good old cry. Oh that song!!
So why am I writing a blog post about this? This is so personal. And my main point of my blog in general is to help others and how am I helping others with this one? Do I have a point? Is there something I hope others can gain by reading this? I think my point in sharing this is to remind you all that #1 - it's OK to be sad (and to let others know that you are sad). We're all here to support one another. We're all human. and #2 - pay attention to those around you. You never know who might need some support. Especially for those of us that aren't near family, sometimes the hug of an acquaintance can provide some of the comfort we might be lacking in our situation. A little support can go a long way when someone is feeling sad.
I hope that I will live a long life, filled with love, just like my Grandpa did. I hope that I can follow his great example of how to be committed to faith, to family, to friends and to work. And I hope that someday I can listen to that song without crying, because I really love it. :-)